Turning 18 makes us adults? (no)

I was getting a bit lost these days from the reality dimension, looking and poking around some things I wanted to learn, wanted to do, it's a common trait on myself: I become obsessed on some task and want to complete it properly. Then suddenly came to reality, to my reality: I'm turning 18 tomorrow.

Here where I live, it's the age when you (legally) become an adult, and also people consider you a completely functional member of society!!

Look, that's a good joke if you ask me, I don't completely agree with that, this life is a complete chaos where I don't know when begins and ends.

I'm supposed to start being responsible, taking the world on my hands (given the age), follow the path to be 'successful', be independent and help the others on your close circle and many other things my mind isn't capable of imagine.

That scares me, a lot.

Why?

I don't want it, but also I want it.

Let's digest this for a moment

I don't want to follow this path, this pre-made plan of studying a career, be on a stable job, up positions there, try to travel on the few days of vacations left on my adult life, then retiring 'young' to live doing almost nothing thinking my life could've been more. Nah, I don't like that.

But also want it, I mean, not even people like this adulty thing. I can remember countless times people told me they "want to comeback to their youngs to live again those richful experiences, to be back to their best time of their lifes". Nah, if the best thing on my life is this tiny portion i lived consciously, I'd rather prefer not living the rest.

Life isn't a two paths choice, but that's the best my mind can do to try to understand the complexity of life.

I don't intend to write (or even found) a solution with this, that would take me time, but it's good to consider it, it's a good way to start. I'm a mess right now, a complete mess, everything aside of a good example and following the right steps, being able to overcome my shadow and fulfill the minimum as I'm required.

But I have hope, a little piece of light shinning on the deepest parts of my soul that tells me: Life's worth. That my life is worth for me and for others.

I have many days left. Many battles, struggles, happiness, love, amazement left to live, and I don't want to give up, that's not on me.

I almost gave up, at some point I decided to entirely listen to my shadow and gave myself to it, not being here anymore was a desire it became bigger and bigger; but that shinning light stopped me, almost as annoying.

That brought me here. I think I'm feeling like this, on an ether, because I wanted to end it all so abruptly, so everything started to be on slow mode.

The good thing is, I can start over. Because there isn't a start point yet. The best moment is yet to come...